Arturo lands his dream job. He’s thrilled to start work. Only whenever he’s in the office, he witnesses one colleague bullying another. Maybe, he thinks, it’s a trickle down effect. Their manager is rude and consistently interrupts others during meetings. Arturo loves the work, but the workplace is rife with incivility. He doesn’t want to leave, but he needs help to improve the situation.

As this series has, regrettably, reported, Arturo is not alone in having this experience. Experiencing or witnessing incivility at work is an all too common occurrence. Of course, leadership and human resources can do a lot to establish and nurture a culture of civility. But, in the meantime, employees might be wondering what they can do to address the problem.

“It is almost impossible to be untouched by incivility during one’s career,” writes workplace civility researcher Christine Porath in the Harvard Business Review. “Over the past 20 years I’ve polled thousands of workers and found that 98% have experienced uncivil behavior and 99% have witnessed it.”

All that incivility wears on employees. In Porath’s own lab studies, rude behavior negatively impacted performance, ability to absorb information and short-term memory. It can’t help critical thinking either. Other researchers have found it can damage physical and emotional well-being and strain an individuals’ relationships outside of work with family and friends.

What to do with workplace incivility

One popular approach is to avoid the uncivil person or people. That’s often ineffective in a work environment as you can’t typically steer clear of the discourteous all day, every day. You might be required to collaborate with them on a client-facing project. Or you could need to go to them for sign-off on something every week.

Many people decide to tackle the problem head-on. This might involve setting boundaries or asking for clarification. For example, in the face of a co-worker’s condescension you might say, “I’d like to have a respectful conversation. Can we discuss this without using that tone?” Or, if a supervisor makes a cutting remark, you might ask, “It felt quite harsh when you said X. Was that your intention, or did you mean something else?”

A pitfall here is that the plan is to have a rational, direct discussion. Yet you may struggle to remain calm and composed. Reacting emotionally can escalate the situation rapidly. Retaliation might follow, rather than resolution.

Involving internal resources

Your employee handbook is likely to tell you to first document, then report the behavior. By writing down dates, times, and details of what is happening, you can communicate effectively with HR or supervisors if the situation escalates.

You may also need to familiarize yourself with company policies and labor laws regarding appropriate workplace behavior and harassment. Knowing your rights can empower you file a formal complaint and seek resolution through official channels.

Unfortunately, many incidents go unreported. Workers don’t believe that their employer will do anything about a complaint. They are cynical or fear reprisals.

But if you do see something and say something, you may help your organizational leaders see the need to model good behavior, identify areas for improvement, and motivate action to foster a culture of civility where unacceptable behaviors are not tolerated.

Nevertheless, Porath’s research suggests the best approach to workplace incivility “is to make yourself impervious to it.” That’s a skill that can help you both professionally and personally. Let’s look next at how you can do that.

How to fortify yourself against a lack of courtesy

One approach is to seek support. Talking to colleagues or mentors could help you to focus on solutions. They might provide valuable advice or perspective that lets you see underlying issues that need to be addressed. This could be on the part of the person who you see as being uncivil. But you may also have to acknowledge your part and need an outside set of eyes to help you understand the role you are playing in the situation.

Seeking out support is a self-care strategy. Practicing other self-care methods could help you to lower your workplace stress and improve your mental health. Practicing coping behaviors such as making time for hobbies or activities that help you relax (e.g., walking your dog or reading a book) can support greater personal resilience.

Porath’s research on incivility has led her to champion “thriving” behaviors. She suggests, “thriving people are healthier, more resilient, and better able to focus on their work. They are buffered against distraction, stress, and negativity.” They are also less likely to burnout, more confident in themselves and their ability to tackle any situation, and better able to recover from an unpleasant incident.

Consider it this way: when someone says something negative to you or otherwise offends you, you’re likely to keep thinking about it. You might ruminate on it, thinking of how you might have handled that incident differently. Or you return to the feelings of anger or hurt again and again. It’s not just you; neuroscience has found that we have an easier time accessing memories attached to strong emotions.

Part of the solution is to find ways to bring closure. By talking it out with someone (a supportive colleague, even a therapist), journaling, or writing the insult on a piece of paper and then tearing it up, you can shift your perspective away from dwelling on the negative.

Continuous learning, trying new activities, going new places, and meeting new people can all support your ability to bounce back and thrive in a toxic environment. These all take your thoughts away from the incivility and help you to move on.

Porath also recommends sleep, exercise, healthy eating, and mindfulness as tools to help you maintain energy and the emotional equilibrium required to withstand an uncivil encounter. You’ll be better able to respond in the moment, without getting emotional. Plus, you’re less likely to fall prey to emotions such as anger, fear, or sadness if you do encounter incivility.

Prioritizing positive relationships

Unfortunately, negative experiences do happen. It doesn’t make sense to pretend otherwise, or to deny that others are rude or cause you discomfort. The goal of this conversation is to share concrete strategies that can help address incivility. However, from a personal perspective, this discussion also presents an opportunity to think about who you want to be in the face of hurt or outrage and whether you want to move forward with a new approach that can help you thrive personally and professionally.

Ready to focus on building a better workplace for everyone? Learn how Sogolytics can help improve employee experiences!